The Post-Divorce Cocoon
Most cultures consider marriage the portal to adulthood, but the true passage to becoming an adult may be your divorce. When you divorce, you plunge into making rapid and critical decisions about your future when your emotions are already fractured. You will be stretched to the limit, and once stretched, you won’t return to your old, smaller self.
Divorce brings self-awareness and introspection, two hallmarks of real adulthood. It forces you to ask the big questions: what do I want from my life? How can I recover financially? How can I learn and grow from this experience?
Divorce recovery is a process; wise people don’t rush this process. Instead, they take advantage of it, like a caterpillar in a cocoon. Be advised: the cocoon is going to be uncomfortable. The quarters are tight, and you are doing a lot of changing inside. It will be so uncomfortable; you will be tempted to break out too soon. If you don’t give in to the temptation, and you lean into the discomfort, you will emerge into your true adulthood, stronger and more able than ever before.
What can you do to ensure your time in the cocoon is fruitful? Here are some ideas.
Read. Read self-help; read novels and memoirs. Whatever sparks your interest. There is something to be learned from every book you read, even the ones that seem entirely frivolous.
Think about the future. What comes next for you? Will you return to college, focus on your career?
Set goals. Make sure they’re attainable, and that they help you move toward the things you want to accomplish in the future. Make the goals small and achievable at first, and then increasingly more complex. For the first month, make a list of daily goals. Every morning review how you met the goals of the day before and set new goals for the day. At the end of the first month, set goals for the next three months. At the end of that three months, set goals for the next six months. At the end of the six months, make a list of short and long-term goals, and set deadlines for yourself. For example, if your goal is to return to school, start with small goals, like familiarizing yourself with the timelines for applications, researching schools, reviewing admission policies, and filling out and submitting financial aid applications. Make one step every day toward the bigger goal of starting school. Make lists, and hang on to those lists so you can feel the sense of accomplishment when you see, in print, all the goals you’ve met.
Find a therapist. You won’t be in therapy forever, and no, you’re not crazy! But a good therapist can help you explore your feelings, and help you discover the life lessons that will help you make sense of your divorce life-lessons.
The One Year Rule. Don’t make any significant financial decisions or date for one year. Claim the restorative and transformative time you have earned, and don’t be tempted to bust out of the cocoon too soon.
Don’t Swipe. Don’t be tempted to hop on dating websites too soon. The danger is two-fold. First, getting on too soon can crush your fragile sense of yourself. If you’ve been out of the dating scene awhile, the first time someone swipes left, your tender self-confidence will suffer. Second, you aren’t ready for a relationship yet, even a casual one. Don’t let loneliness (or any other type of frustration) lead you into something you’re not prepared for.
Following this advice can make the period after your divorce the most productive and life-affirming time of your life.
Lori Hellis is an attorney with 27 years of experience. Her book Done, A Guide to Getting Divorced, is expected to be released next year. Look for her on the web at lorihellis.com.
