What’s That Sound?
You’re in quarantine, and the ticking you hear is your marriage
That ticking you hear is uncertainty; uncertainty is the enemy of marriage. Marriages are made of expectations for the happily ever after; divorce is reality stepping in to crush those expectations, and there is no greater reality crusher than the current Coronavirus pandemic.
Singer, Kelly Clarkson recently announced she and husband, Brandon Blackstock, are divorcing. Clarkson hoped weeks of forced togetherness, as they quarantined in their tiny cabin in Montana, would help strengthen their relationship. Instead, it proved, in her words, that “there was no other choice” then to file for divorce. Actress and entrepreneur Mary-Kate Olson and her husband were also recently in the news when she voiced concern that her divorce from husband, Oliver Sarkozy, would leave her homeless in New York amid the pandemic.
Divorce lawyers from Wuhan to New York report sharp increases in people contacting them about starting divorce proceedings. The truth is that when stressors arrive, marriages fail. Lawyers typically report an increase in divorce filings immediately following any holiday season. Holidays, with too much togetherness, expectations that may be impossible to attain, and financial pressure were a perfect preview of what we’re now seeing in a wave of pandemic divorces.
But the pandemic situation is worse and more prolonged than any holiday, and stress and anxiety have a death-grip on couples. We can’t visit the extended family and friends, who generally provide our safety valve, and a simple trip to the grocery store may be a death sentence. For those fortunate enough to still have employment, work and home have collided. For the broad swath of the country who are unemployed, the reality is rushing in like a tidal wave. It’s no longer a question of whether they can afford a new car next year now; it’s a matter of whether they can afford to feed their children today. If money makes the world go around, many of us are only a day or two away from a screeching, heart-rending stop.
As the weeks and months drag on, all of your worst habits and questionable choices are on full-time display for your partner. The flirty way you talk to your coworker, the extra cocktails, the frustration with the dog, the kids, the bills. The way you grab your partner’s arm just a little too hard, the snarky comment you make to your child. Happily-ever-after is being crushed faster than a junkyard car as the deficiencies in communication, and lack of shared goals go from being a minor irritant to a ticking bomb.
Take a deep breath. Take some space, even if it means locking yourself in the bathroom to take a shower four times a day. Call your best friend or video chat with your mom. Look into some therapy you can do over the phone or by Zoom conference. Give your spouse some space and privacy so they can do the same. Get some exercise, even if it means running up and down the stairs a few times because breathing hard releases endorphins. Read a book or watch a movie you wouldn’t usually like, just to jog your brain out of the loop its caught in because watching something explode on the screen is better than exploding yourself.
